Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
