I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
This house was built for laser tag.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
