and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
Randomize
