i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
