I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize