i can't believe i had my finger in that
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
