I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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