Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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