i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Even my vagina gasped.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
