he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
