I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
