Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
