saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Randomize
