i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
