why didn't you poke me back
I'm going to jail i love you
Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
