1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
