yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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