My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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