I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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