At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize