just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
