I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
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