walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Found the puke drawer
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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