So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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