it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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