1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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