wanna go halves on a baby?
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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