Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
