I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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