Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
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