Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Shame - the story of my life.
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