sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
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