My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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