I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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