hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
