i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize