last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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