On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
