Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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