she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
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