I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Randomize
