whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
