Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
