When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
