my phone needs a breathalizer
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
