How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
