I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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