That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Randomize
