Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
