We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
