Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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