I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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