I feel great
I just peed on a car
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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