The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
Randomize
