my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
