Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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